{"id":2521,"date":"2017-01-02T19:51:21","date_gmt":"2017-01-02T18:51:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lionel-thevenard.com\/?p=2521"},"modified":"2017-01-02T19:52:55","modified_gmt":"2017-01-02T18:52:55","slug":"relationships-sometimes-difficult-with-others","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lionel-thevenard.fr\/?p=2521&lang=en","title":{"rendered":"Relationships sometimes difficult with others."},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cMy boss scares me !, my husband annoys me ! my wife is getting on my nerves ! My teenager son doesn\u2019t even listen to me ! My mother, can\u2019t take it any more, she drives me crazy ! \u201c<\/p>\n

Relationships to others are not exactly a long, quiet river, paved with mutual satisfactions !<\/p>\n

To think that the other is the cause of the difficulty is often the first thought and it might sometimes be true (to some extent) however as we are most of the time at least 2 in any relationship, each party involved has its share in what\u2019s exchanged<\/strong>.<\/b><\/p>\n

Eric BERNE was a Canadian-born American psychiatrist and inventor of transactional Analysis. He had the idea in the 1960\u2019s that we are spending (structuring) a great amount of our time in exchanges with others leading to predictable outcomes. As an important source of stimulations<\/strong>, they help us confirm our views and beliefs about ourselves or others, about life and the world.<\/p>\n

He also sais that this process occurs outside of our Adult consciousness.<\/p>\n

For example, when I was calling my mother, she was invariably taking that opportunity to list her difficulties and somehow was expecting other people to solve her problems without asking<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

Her: I have to go to the dentist, it\u2019s far. Me : why don\u2019t you take a cab? Her : yes, but they are expensive. Me : Why don\u2019t you ask my brother (who lives in the same city)? Her : yes, but he is fed up with it. Me : why don\u2019t you ask Mary to drive you ? Her : yes, but \u2026 Me : then, don\u2019t ask me !<\/p>\n

Then I was hanging up, annoyed, saying to myself : That\u2019s her problem, she\u2019s got to sort it out, I was just trying to help ! On her side, she was reinforcing her belief around \u201cthis is hard to be old, nobody can help me !\u201d. In fact, she was not asking anything clearly.<\/p>\n

Eric BERNE called this type of exchange a Psychological Game<\/strong>, not as a happy pastime but as an Unconscious Strategy<\/strong> to confirm our beliefs. The one I have described is called \u201cYes, but \u2026\u201d. In any of these psychological games, both players play !<\/p>\n

My mother talks from a Victim<\/strong> stand (\u201cI am not able to solve my problem\u201d) and, in order to confirm that belief, frustrate others (Persecutor)<\/strong>. I was trying to save her by finding solutions for her (Rescuer)<\/strong>, just to end up also powerless\u00a0 to help (Victim)<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Are we bound to repeat these games with their negative feelings ? No !<\/p>\n

With the help of a competent professional :<\/p>\n